Be Careful What You Hear

I was at a home jewelry party one evening last week. I had just eaten supper at home. When I got there I immediately spied all the fabulous-looking appetizers. I did my best to resist but ultimately gave in to the temptation and started munching away. Of course, as I'm doing this I'm lamenting about how I SHOULDN'T be doing this! A guest was there that I had recently met for the first time. We share a common interest in running and are friends on Facebook. In other words, we don't know each other all that well but she's somebody I'd like to get to know better. She heard me going on and on and she said, "you're really hard on yourself." Just like that. Not a lot of build-up to the comment. Just that. My instant reply was, "yes, I know." I didn't think about the answer too much and it came quickly and from the gut. Because, as I think about it, I sound like a nut-job going on an on about how I shouldn't eat this or that when to the outside world I don't have a weight problem and I work out like an insane person.

You know how sometimes things just stick with you. Well, that certainly did. I though it about for days afterward and, obviously, am still thinking about it! Why are we wired the way we're wired. I'm 41 years old for God's sake! When will the time come to just 'be'? Will it ever come? Does it just happen or do I just need to commit myself more to finding that happy medium?

Of course I have to tie everything back to a race since that is what this blog is truly about.

I did the Lifetime Minneapolis Olympic Triathlon 7/9/11. I won my age group by 4:00+ minutes. I had studied the course, was well prepared, and new what I wanted to do. And I did it. I had a good race and put in solid performances. I got a lot of 'congratulations' post-race for winning my age group. Which I truly appreciate.

However, there is always a BUT..... and here it is. I did not know this until the week of the race. BUT, there was an Elite Masters class. This was for women 40+ who had either a prior Olympic USAT race time of <2:30 in the past 2 years or special permission. I did not have that qualifying time and I didn't want to ask for special permission to get into the class (especially after my first tri of the season where I raced elite and fell apart). So I was OK with sticking in the age group class. I figured time is time, right? I planned to race hard and then see where I fell amongst the Elite Masters group.

The results show that I would have come in second to last in the Elite Masters class out of a group of about 8 (don't quote me on that). My bike and run times were comparable to the group and I would have been competitive there. It was the SWIM. I totally got my ass kicked in the swim by about 2-3 minutes. And in short course racing, there is no room for a 2-3 minute gap like that! Initially, I was obviously disgusted with myself. The internal talk was 'when are you ever going to get a grip on swimming. Come on Michelle, why can't you just swim faster.' Blah, blah, blah. So, in my warped mind I really didn't 'WIN' anything. There were 7 other women who beat me.

Swimming has been the thorn in my side for a long time now. Ever since I've gotten more competitive in triathlon, that's where I've seen the most need for improvement. I try and try and get frustrated beyond measure because the gains just don't come like I want them to.

That's probably why I love long course racing. I may come out of the water 10 minutes down which obviously is not optimal. But, if I keep my wits about me, I can get that time back with solid bike and run splits.

So back to the Lifetime race and the jewelry party comment.....I love triathlon. I love that I'm competitive. But, I also love that I've got the brains enough in my head to hear something and know it's true. I don't believe in randomness. I believe that stuff happens in our lives for a true and definite reason. And being told by someone who I hardly know that I'm "really hard on myself" gave me definite reason to pause and think.

After my initial period of self-flagellation, I saw the day for what it was. An absolutely fabulous time. I was with my Evotri teammates who I love dearly. I raced hard and felt the burn and fire of competition. All TRULY was good in my world. No need to carry it any further. Don't be hard on myself. See the day for what it was. Accept the fact that I need to keep swimming! And move on. And I have. Could it be that there is hope for me? I still can expect and work for improvement but I don't have to beat myself up over it for 2 days? Maybe its called aging. I really think it's being open to observation and looking at your life as others might see it. You can learn a lot by just stepping outside of yourself. The key is to not just look at it but do something about it!